The Remnants
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osoreranai's LiveJournal:
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| Wednesday, June 10th, 2009 | | 3:17 pm |
| | Friday, May 8th, 2009 | | 11:19 pm |
I should be in bed. I really should. But... rambleramble
I just... I gotta write something. My fingers are getting to that special twitchy phase. They either type something or they start to just... flail. Wildly. There's no other name for the motion. It's like my fingers are trying to remember what it is to type more than an occasional URL. I don't know that they succeed all that well... my writing's a bit rusty. Or it was never that good and I just have a rosy tint on the way things were. Either way. So. Life. Simple thing these days. Get up. Go to work. Come back. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat. A little bit of writing in there every now and again but more time spent reading than anything else. Either I'm reading the sales talks or I'm reading books or I'm reading Scriptures or - ye gods! - the Fiction Press. Yeah, that Fiction Press. ff.net's cousin? Yeah, that thing.I don't know why the heck I'm there. Maybe it's to remind myself of who I used to be or to remind myself that, even as atrophied as my abilities are, there are still people I'm better than. It's a piss-poor reason to read anything, but doggonnit, it's hard to read it for anything else. I've got this crazy idea of what I want to write - like, instead of science fiction, science-of-the-soul fiction. I don't even know what the heck I mean, and I'm really sure it's been done already. But all the same, it's what I want to write. Can you tell how tired I am? I don't mean that in a negative way... just. Tired. I haven't even been doing that much martial arts training. Haven't managed my time all that well to get that out of the way. I honestly should be going to bed earlier, but I haven't been because I keep think of a thousand tiny things... and afore I know it, time is lost, and I'm off to bed for less sleep than I really think I need to get by. It's a simple solution, but I haven't been doing it like I should be. And I think, really, I'm going to do just that, but before I do I'm going to leave with one thought. I've begun reading Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion and... meh. He's not that impressive. As of the first two chapters, he has gone to make the point that God can and should be treated as a hypothesis. But he's also gone on about how unimpressed he is with the nature of theists and their treatment of God as being somehow above rational inquiry. Just as an example, he goes into the prayer experiments, which failed to produce any real evidence that prayer does any kind of good for the sick. Summed up, a quote from Bob Barth: "A person of faith would say that this study is interesting, but we've been praying a long time and we've seen prayer work, we know it works, and the research on prayer and spirituality is just getting started." Dawkins' Response: "Yeah, right: we know from our faith that prayer works, so if evidence fails to show it we'll just soldier on until finally we get the result we want." My response: You're both wrong. If God exists, and He is perfect, then His will is perfect. That is, what He desires to see done is the best thing. Prayer is not about getting Him to change His will - because to change to anything other than perfect is to become imperfect, which He cannot do - but rather, to align yourself with what needs to happen. Prayer is not about moving the heavens and the earth to get what you want. It's about moving your soul to see God's hand. I think. Honestly, it sounded a lot better in my head. It did. Anyway, I'll try not to be such a stranger... Current Mood:  tired | | Thursday, April 9th, 2009 | | 11:15 pm |
| | Thursday, March 26th, 2009 | | 3:15 pm |
Hey, here's an idea! Let's cut it down to two weeks this time!
It has been brought to my attention that I have not been here in a while. And this time I don't have the good excuse that, 'OMGz, life is so ha-ha-hard right now!!!!!!!!11!' I've just been staying busy. I don't know if y'all have ever heard of those murder-mystery plays. It's different from drama, where you're up on a stage in front of everyone. Instead, it's where the audience is up and participating in the play along with you, working to solve the murder around which the mystery revolves. It's kind of like a Renaissance fair, only picture it taking place in the 1930s. Yeah, that's what happens. So I was helping not only to write scenes for that thing but to actually star in it and have learned lines and everything. And as near as I can tell, it went great. Lots of rave-reviews for it from the participants. We think we'll be doing it again. Someday. Meanwhile, I'm getting ready to have some long-distance acquaintances. One of my friends from college whom I roomed with for a while is being re-deployed to Iraq. He just shipped out for prep work yesterday. And then I have another friend I'm seeing off tonight who's going to teach English in Korea for a year or so. Good stuff, for him. Except for the part where I 'm going to have to say goodbye and not see him again for a year. That part kind of sucks. And with the military friend too. But yeah, that's really been the thing. I go out and work and then I find out that night that some friend of mine or other is going away soon. It's really bad for the whole 'sticking to schedule no matter what' thing. But heck, the pressure's off now. I've protected a young man and made some money today, so now I can go through the rest of it, just kind of chill, you know? I have an appointment tonight at 6:30 tonight, but after that it should be smooth sailing. ... yikes, I hope I can make it there in time. But, if I have the opportunity to protect another family because of that appointment, well... I mean, it wouldn't be cool to not see him again, but that's the responsibility that I would have. I mean, shoot, I gave them my word and everything, and that's freaking binding as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, break-time's up, but I figured I'd go ahead and leave a note here... so. Peace, y'all. Current Mood:  thoughtful | | Saturday, March 14th, 2009 | | 11:29 am |
OMGZ I HAVE NOT POSTED IN FOREVAR
Hahahahahaha. Who'd have thought this whole running-your-own-business thing would be so time intensive? It's like, somehow, I'm actually responsible for my own income, earnings, business, everything. I am my own boss. Wow, who knew I was such a tough boss? ^^; The only badness out of the entire thing is that it took me a long time to get my priorities straightened out and figure out how this really works. And I don't always have it figured out, if that makes any sense. It's like, if you approach someone in their home and you're thinking only of yourself and how much money you need and how much you can get, they pick up on that. They get way the heck in your way all throughout the demonstration, and it fudges up. Or, alternately, you give up on the demonstration and just try to pick your way though it until finally they just say no to you anyway. And that was a problem I was dealing with for a long time throughout this job. I came into it behind the 8-ball, so to speak. And when I confessed that to my peers who have been at this longer, they just smiled and said, "Good! Now here's how you solve it. Take your mind off yourself." Seems kind of strange, right? In order to make a lot of money to meet your needs, you have to totally take your mind off your needs. And the reason for that, frankly, is that people can pick up if your there for their benefit or for your own. And if you're there for them, then everything just tends to work out. I went out yesterday and all throughout my demonstrations I was thinking, 'Oh, God, if I can help these people, help me to do it.' And it happened. It just happened. I don't know any other way to explain it. My demonstrations were damn-near perfect, more spot-on then they ever are really. And I was able to protect a family yesterday. Not only did I protect a family, I even got a couple free meals in the process. So... I think I finally begin to grasp it. I accidentally stumbled on it last week, but I think I'm closer this week. I've done more business in the past two weeks than I had in the previous five weeks combined. So, yeah, this job is getting fun. Incidentally, that's also the main reason that I haven't been posting. It's not that I haven't been interested in what's going on in the lives of my friends... really, I am interested. I want to be part of you and be with you and be friends like we've all set out to be. It's just not been easy. Most of the time for the past month or so I've been so stressed and so tired that I couldn't find anything worth posting about. It wasn't just y'all I was thinking about. I didn't want to stare at this thing and just find negativity. Honestly, it's too easy to use this thing for those reasons. I'd rather write about everything - not just the bad, but the good. And there's good to be said... so... here I am. Anyway, more later. Right now, got a murder mystery to go rehearse. Like I said, good things too. ^_^ Current Mood:  chipper | | Wednesday, February 25th, 2009 | | 10:17 pm |
Writer's Block: Self-Indulgent
Excuses. I set it before myself to do things like stick to a schedule or do this or do that, and I've been coming up with reasons not to do them, or to do them in a way that's easier... and not right. So. I'm taking the Lent period to refocus and get myself on track. Current Mood: determined | | Saturday, January 24th, 2009 | | 12:41 am |
| | Thursday, January 22nd, 2009 | | 3:49 pm |
From my New Year's entry... an update on realized goals.
-Attain my license for insurance in NC. DONE-Finish Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. DONEI don't mean to sound arrogant, but I'm kind of blowing myself away here on account of pure awesome. I mean, I closed das Buch and sat back and just stared for a while. Like, 'wow, did I really just finish this?' Current Mood: accomplished | | 11:18 am |
| | Wednesday, January 21st, 2009 | | 4:42 pm |
Wow, what a day!
So. To recap: -I aced the exam. -Even though I'mma be paying for my part of the wreck, I made it clear where my responsibilities end. Just the door, and that's it. -The ice on the roads is down like whoah. -It looks like I'll be able to save some money and drive to sales training instead of taking the flight. Ha ha! Now, I can't cross the 'getting licensed' thing off my list of goals yet, because I'm not officially there yet. I need to clear up one small thing and get it notarized... which happens tomorrow, because all of that stuff is closed up. But come tomorrow - assuming God lets me live that long... hey, you never know - I will be able to cross one of my major resolutions off the list. Score! Current Mood: jubilant | | Tuesday, January 20th, 2009 | | 11:35 pm |
Wow, what a day.
So. To recap: -My brother's gone back to Japan. -I have the exam tomorrow. -The mountain is covered in ICE, so driving is going to be like fooling around with a sled. -I got called about an auto accident that occurred prior to my reinsurance, and now I'm going to have to foot the bill on that out of my own pocket. It's gonna leave a mark, ain't gonna lie. Ha ha ha ha... about the only way this could be worse is if I fail tomorrow. Current Mood:  frustrated | | Monday, January 19th, 2009 | | 1:19 am |
| | Thursday, January 15th, 2009 | | 12:10 pm |
Foiled Again
Well, failed the exam. Missed the pass score by three points. Just two questions. That's all I needed to get right, just two more and I'd have that license and I could be getting ready to go to work. ... So. Requested another shot for Tuesday. Back to the drawing board in the meantime. Current Mood: angry | | Wednesday, January 14th, 2009 | | 10:27 pm |
Traveling Indeed...
Well, it's 10:30 at night, and I'm currently a hundred miles from home, on my own. I'm here in Statesville, NC, getting ready to rock this licensing exam that I have sweated and toiled for the right to take. I'm a little too poor for the 'real' practice exams offered for VUE, but if the practice exams offered through my online course are any indication, I'm going to ace it. Still a little nervous about that. Yeah, I'm done gone prepared for it, but still. There's an awful lot riding on it. I can't actually start my career until I have that license, and with that I've done to actually get here, it's enough to make me... I dunno. Apprehensive? Anticipatory? Something wherein it weighs on me to have it in front of me to do after all this time. I mean, right now, part of me wants to study, while the other part of me knows that I'd be scoring between mid-eighties and mid-nineties on it anyway, and that frankly it would be bad to get too used to the questions on the class' version of the exam. So I'm just sitting here, blogging. At 10:34 at night, in a Red Roof Inn just off of I-77. I wonder if my dad ever had nights like this. He used to travel all over the place, where he'd have to take part in conferences and meetings and have his act together and ready to go the next day. In fact, my traveling out here like this was his idea. And I thought it was a good one and I followed it. I'm not regretting it. It's just... interesting. Feels like I'm following in the man's shoes. They're good shoes, though. ... I dunno. Just... funny tonight. Current Mood:  restless | | 9:05 pm |
Writer's Block: Back to School
It's hard to say. I liked my high school. I really did. I even liked some of the people I was going there with. XD Still, gotta admit: the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning would have been an awesome place to get my diploma. Current Mood: amused | | 12:47 am |
Whoah, I have a blog! Scorage!
Ha ha. Guess who forgot they had a blog for a couple of weeks? This guy. Yep, 'twas I who did the forgettin'. Total rue-age, honest. I didn't mean to lose track of this. Honest, I meant to use this as a means of holding myself accountable to the goals I'd set at the beginning of the year. And really, the biggest reason I've not been here is because I've been 'there' - there being the place where I'm getting my goals moved forward, one step at a time. So... -Finished my pre-licensing coursework. Only ended up taking a week, really, and after taking practice exams and all I managed to ace it. The bad news is that it's only graded on a pass/fail basis. But still! A flying pass will do me much better than a flat fail. -So, with that out of the way, I needed to get myself to a licensing exam. And it turns out that the state government in North Carolina doesn't actually do its own testing. It contracts out to a company called Pearson VUE to do the testing. Which is okay. They insist on a three-day waiting period between the time you apply for your appointment and the day you actually scheduled your appointment for. Don't worry if you don't understand. I don't either. But I put in an application and waited two days... for them to tell me that I couldn't take the exam. Now, this wouldn't be so bad, except that I need to have my license for the state before Family Heritage will take me in for training. And they closed me out on all the days that I was counting on to have this stuff done before training. I went to the Asheville testing center, and they couldn't help me. I drove all the way to Raleigh from there - to hang with some friends of mine - to talk to the test center there, and when they didn't help me, I went all the way to the Department of Insurance itself. And it didn't matter that I had the right to take the test. For whatever arbitrary reason you want to make up, the law states that I can't take that test except through that company. So I called the VUE to tell them so, and eventually I got the excuse that, "The system won't let me put you in." The lady on the line even went to her supervisor on it, and in the end, I got the same response. So I drove back home, and put in another application. And got rejected again. And that very morning I got my rejection notice, I sent in another request. That one made it. The only testing center that could take me is the one in Statesville, about a hundred miles from here. So I'll actually be headed out tomorrow - today - to hole up in a motel so I don't have to be up at 5 AM and on the road for hours beforehand. Still, it's a step toward the goals. So, I'm, like, what, halfway done with one goal? Nice. -So, when I haven't been studying, I've been reading 'Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.' I'm down to... maybe two chapters? Three? Man, what a book. That's all I've got to say about that. -Also, against my better judgment, I may have fallen in love with a show. I swore, after Heroes, never again, especially with NBC. But then this show came on called 'Superstars of Dance.' Now, I wouldn't have even given this half a glance. I had an inkling that it was going to be Dancing with the Stars, and I have little interest in watching C-list celebs and athletes traipsing about on a stage. My mom did, however. And she'd just finished a book I'd leant her called 'American Shaolin,' which is a book about a guy who made a real-life journey from America to China to study with the monks. And it just so happened that some of the performing monks were going to be on this show. And that's how I got hooked. And honestly? It's just fun. I don't know if I'd call it a good show. I'm sure the Argentinian and South African judges are sleeping together, and the online community leaves a lot to be desired - kind of like the Avatar crowd, with less fic and more whining - and I'm really not sure if the Indian and Chinese dancers are getting a fair rub, what with the different cultures that create each dance. But man, for the life of me, I enjoy this show. Seeing the Shaolin perform, blowing away the group competition, it was really... incredible. I mean, I'm no brother of theirs, even if I study the Shaolin arts. But still... there's a kind of kinship there, and seeing them perform and be loved is almost like a validation of what I do. -Also, finished a short story draft. -Also, got back another rejection notice. As always, the rejection does not hurt. Just the amount of time. ... So. That's life so far. Current Mood: busy | | Thursday, January 1st, 2009 | | 10:39 pm |
Writer's Block: Resolved
I aim to take one step toward at least one goal per day. It was a habit I got started on in December, and as it's a good habit, I see no reason to discontinue it. I have all my goals written down... back at home, but I'm in Raleigh now and will be for a while. Let's see if I can remember my goals... Education: -Attain my license for insurance in NC. (Halfway through the study course. All that's left is the other half and the actual examination itself). -Learn my sales talk word-for-word. (Begins after the license is attained.) Relationships: -Maintain my friendships. (Must rediscover AIM). -Find new ones. (Has to be worked at day by day). -Stay close to my family. (Call home once a week already, make sure we all know what's up). -Find a g/f. (May have something in the works). Physical: -Maintain and build a healthy heart rate. (As it is, I'm pretty average, maybe a couple beats higher than I should be. That'll right itself once I start running again and I'm here in Raleigh). -Get up to 250 push-ups and 250 sit-ups - five different types, fifty each. Can currently do fifty knuckle push-ups and fifteen diamond; fifty sit-ups and fifteen bicycles. -Get my horse stance to a point where I can hold parallel to the ground for five minutes. (Can currently do 1'42"). -Go back to the kung fu school and get my next belt. (Once a week, on Saturdays. Ideally I'd be doing more, but the hours I'll be running my business will get in the way of that). Spiritual: -Say prayers more consistently. (So far, my practice is just the Lord's Prayer before I go to bed. It would be better for me to do more). -Take time to make reflections. (Just once a week. Make sure my goals are still in front of me). Others: -Get (more) published. (Duotrope's Digest. Look it up). -Finish Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. (This book goes on FOREVER. Fortunately, only six short chapters left. And let's see... it'll probably cover, what, the war from 1941 onward? Ha ha...). Just work toward at least one per day. Just one per day. It looks like an awful lot, it really does, but so much of it is really just a question of establishing a good routine and sticking to it. And with 365 days to work with, on my own terms? Should prove to be a good challenge. Let's go to work. Current Mood: ready | | Monday, December 22nd, 2008 | | 11:36 pm |
Day Eight
Well, today was wonderful. I went to a meeting in Charlotte with a bunch of folk from Legacy Financial Services. We got together to figure out what our goals are and what needs to be done when, where, and how. It's good to know about what I'm going to do, and how I'm going to get there. Also, just got a surprise piece of news tonight - it looks like my brother's going to be coming home. ... just gonna let that sink in for y'all. My brother is coming home. ... Man, these past eight days have rocked! Current Mood: excited | | 12:17 am |
Day Seven
Well, today was nice. Went to church with the folks. Preacher was actually spot-on with his teaching for once - that is, he actually taught instead of giving a couple of scriptural points before going off into how cute his grandkids are. Mostly it was the same old Christmas rigamarole - Mary was a virgin, and Jesus was the fulfillment of the promise of God to David. Same old stuff. I'm sure he means well, but he's not... quite accurate, and he doesn't bring up anything about Hebrew or Greek unless it supports the old line. Meh. This church is full of old people anyway. I think if I told them that almah means young woman, and not virgin they'd probably have a coronary right then and there. And, really, these folks are decent enough. I'm all for making trouble, but only if it means something. Afterward, we got done there and headed out to go to the Biltmore Estate... and along the way, we found an old woman stopped on the side of the road. Her tire had gone flat, so Dad and I got out to help her with that. I ended up doing most of the work on it, honestly, but it felt good to know that I still remember how to change a flat tire. And it was good to help her too. Anyway, afterward, we got to the Biltmore Estate - always fun. So this time we did the winery first, where I got to visit my old friends and coworkers. And it was good to. Seeing them react to the beard was priceless. Then we went on the Christmas tour of the Biltmore. And Christmas is a huge deal there. The house was officially opened up for living in and entertaining guests on Christmas Eve, so the idea of getting the place all decorated up is pretty big. The audio self-tour is different, and at night, there are carolers in the house and the pipe organ is going and it is... amazing. Definitely enjoyable. After that, had dinner at the Stable Cafe, which was good. And by good I mean amazing. Four course meal with wine reccommendations or alcohol as you like it. And I just got to dine with the fam and talk and hang out and be friends with them. So... yeah. I would have found a way to make today a good day no matter what. Just turned out a little easier this time. Current Mood: cheerful | | Saturday, December 20th, 2008 | | 10:43 pm |
Day Six
Managed to make it home to my family, safe and sound. It's always nice when that happens. ^_^ Current Mood: content |
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